When You Choose to "Snälltolka", You're Deciding What Deserves Your Energy

Most conflicts start in the space between what someone did and what we think they meant. Our brains fill blanks with worst-case motives. That reflex kept our ancestors alive. Today it drains us.

"Snälltolka" breaks that loop. It's a Swedish word that means interpreting someone's actions generously. Not blind trust. Not naivety. Just choosing not to build hostile narratives without evidence.

Think about your daily interactions. A colleague's short email is probably written in haste, not rudeness. A friend's silence is probably exhaustion, not rejection. Your partner's distraction is probably stress, not disinterest. When you "snälltolka", you lower the temperature and protect your own sanity.

The world would be a better place if more people chose this approach. Imagine if we defaulted to assuming good intentions instead of bad ones. If we gave each other the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions. If we saved our suspicion for situations that actually warrant it. The energy we waste on manufactured conflicts could instead go toward solving real problems.

But this principle has limits

In cybersecurity I do the opposite. My job is to assume worst-case scenarios. Every anomaly is a potential threat. That mindset protects systems and people.

In my personal life I reverse that logic. The people around me are not threat vectors. They're human. They deserve fairness before suspicion.

That doesn't mean lowering boundaries. It means applying the right model to the right environment.

The hard part: switching off

When you're wired for security thinking, your instincts scan for risks everywhere. "Snälltolka" becomes a discipline. A way to protect yourself from treating the world like a hostile network.

The mental model that keeps systems safe can poison relationships. The vigilance that catches threats at work makes you see them in everyday interactions.

The skill that makes you good at your job can become the thing that isolates you.

Zero trust where it matters

Zero-trust architecture works for networks. You verify everything. You trust nothing by default. This works because systems are predictable.

People are not systems. Relationships are not networks.

Human behaviour is messy, inconsistent, and often irrational. A missed message isn't an attack. A change in routine isn't suspicious. An emotional reaction isn't a threat.

Being kind doesn't make you soft. Being firm doesn't make you cold. You can set boundaries without assuming the worst. You can stay alert where it matters and ease off where trust should exist.

Knowing when to switch

The trick is knowing when to apply which mindset.

Suspicious email asking for credentials? Be cautious. Your partner being quiet? They're probably just tired.

Professional mental models have boundaries. They solve specific problems in specific contexts. Apply them everywhere and they stop being tools. They become prisons.

I still catch myself overthinking conversations that don't need it. I still consciously choose not to read malice into ambiguity. Awareness is the first step.

The goal isn't to eliminate the security mindset. It's to contain it. Use it where it's necessary. Let other parts of yourself operate the rest of the time.

What this actually looks like

In practice, "snälltolka" is small and constant:

Someone cancels plans? Assume they have a reason. A message feels cold? They're probably distracted. Someone makes a mistake? Start from the position they didn't mean harm.

This isn't about ignoring red flags or tolerating bad behaviour. If someone repeatedly disrespects your time, that's data. If a pattern emerges, respond to it. But a single instance? Start generous.

The payoff is twofold:

First, you're right more often than you'd think. Most people aren't out to hurt you. Most mistakes are mistakes. Most silence is life getting in the way.

Second, even when you're wrong, generosity costs less than suspicion. Suspicion erodes relationships slowly. Generosity preserves them until there's actual reason to pull back.

The bigger picture

The world would be a better place if more people chose to "snälltolka".

Not because problems would disappear. Not because everyone deserves infinite patience. But because so much misery comes from unnecessary conflict. From reading hostility into neutral actions. From building walls before we need them.

We have enough real problems. Enough actual threats. Enough legitimate conflicts. We don't need to manufacture more through worst-case interpretations of everyday human behaviour.

The one thing worth remembering

Be alert where threats live. Be kind where relationships grow.

The world has enough actual threats without manufacturing ones in your personal life. Save your energy for what actually matters.

If enough of us choose to interpret generously where we can, we create more space for understanding and less room for unnecessary conflict.

That's not naive. That's efficient.